8 Funny Quips

From Denny: Helping you glide into the weekend... a few sillies - poached from my other humor blog. :) Hey! What do you want? Pollen season arrived this week in south Louisiana and I now own controlling stock in Kleenex... and even though it's past Saint Patrick's Day, I can tell you that the mother lode of shamrock clover is spread all over my yard. Isn't it funny how the weeds wake up weeks before the grass? You have all these weird Conan O'Brien hair clumps dotting the yard for amusement! :)





Clever Guy

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride.

He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.





Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'





Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England. Now, just like his father, he must obey the nine commandments.





My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World."

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things.

"Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages."

I looked at my wife and said, "So, I guess we could call it p-mail."

(Actually, in our house, we call it "reading the mail.")





Entertainer Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was invited to play for the President, a guard stopped outside the White House gate and asked, "Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?"

Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun."

With equal solemnity, the guard nodded. "Enter, friend. I was afraid for a minute it was your sour violin!"





One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked up the little fellow and walked sternly down the aisle
on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"





I'm sure you've all watched "Titanic" the movie. You know that scene when poor Jack
Dawson dies from the cold and then sinks to his watery grave?

Well, when he was frozen and Rose finally pushed him away from her to float into the ocean, my idiot ex-boyfriend embarrasses me in the theater by yelling, "Jack Frost!!"

And to this day he still calls, wondering why I call him my "ex!"






The funniest thing I ever did was when I was borrowing my Dad's car and I had to get gas. My Dad had a bad accident a few years back and he had both ankles surgically redone. So his car has handicap plates and I guess they have some rule that you have to give them full service at self-serve pumps.

The attendant came out and I waved him off without looking up from the nozzle. He tried to figure out why I had handicap plates so I thought it was a good time for a trick.

I went to give him the money and I kept on bumping into things - like the pump - and when I went to give him the money I felt each individual bill and did the same when he gave me change.

The whole time I spoke to him I stared into space. I was wearing dark sunglasses. I walked out of the station running into everything and bumping my head as I got into my car.

The attendant asked me, "How do you drive."

I replied with, "What do you mean?"

He answered with, "Aren't you partially blind?"

I ended with "No, I am completely blind. I am driving an especially equipped
car."

I sped away, making sure to drive over the curb. In the rear view mirror I saw a
station attendant with his jaw on the ground.





ALSO for more rockin'good laughs:

Health Care Reform Resistance, Funny Political Cartoons - 20 Mar 2010

7 Funny Quips 10 Mar 2010

13 Funny Quips 9 Mar 2010

*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers - and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!

4 Star Food on a Budget: Pecan Chicken, Salad, Orzo, Sweet Cheese Tarts

From Denny: We love pecans at our house and they are quite popular in Louisiana since we grow them here. One of my favorite recipes is to finely chop pecans and use them with flour as a coating to pan fry chicken. Here Claire's idea is to combine the pecans with panko crumbs for a lighter version than with flour.

Claire Robinson is one of those folks who tired of corporate America and went out on her own. And we are all so glad she did because she is clever and fast in the kitchen! Her food is fast, elegant, eclectic and flavorful all in only 5 ingredients.

She is host to two Food Network shows: 5 Ingredient Fix and Food Network Challenge

This is a segment from the CBS The Early Show's "Chef on a Shoestring" where the challenge is to make a three course meal for four people and under $40. Claire made a four course meal! Take a look:


Recipes Featured:

Mixed Green Salad with Raspberry Vinaigrette
Buttermilk Pecan Chicken
Minted Squash Orzo with Feta
Mini Strawberry Mascarpone Tarts




Watch CBS News Videos Online






Food Facts from the Food Lover's Companion:


Raspberries: Considered by many the most intensely flavored member of the berry family, the raspberry is composed of many connecting drupelets surrounding a central core. There are three main varieties - black, golden and red, the latter being the most widely available. Depending on the region, red raspberries are available pretty much year-round, with the peak season from May through September. Choose brightly colored, plump berries sans hull. If the hulls are still attached, the berries were picked too early and will undoubtedly be tart. Avoid soft, shriveled or moldy berries. Store in a moisture proof container in the refrigerator for 2 to 3 days.


Orzo: Tiny, rice shaped pasta, often used in soups.


Squash: Squash varies widely in size, shape and color. Generally, they're divided into two categories - summer squash and winter squash. Winter squash have hard, thick skins and seeds. The deep yellow to orange flesh is firmer than that of summer squash and therefore requires longer coking. Winter squash varieties include acorn, buttercup, butternut, hubbard, spaghetti and turban. Winter squash is best from early fall through the winter.


Feta: One of the world's oldest cheeses, feta has been made in Greece and other Balkan countries for centuries. Though traditionally made of sheep's or goat's milk, today large commercial producers often use cow's milk. Because it's cured and stored in brine, feta is often referred to as pickled cheese. White, crumbly and rindless, feta is usually pressed into square cakes. It has a rich, tangy flavor, contains from 45 to 60 percent milk fat and can range in texture from semisoft to semihard.





RECIPES


Greens with Fresh Raspberry Vinaigrette


INGREDIENTS:
1 cup (1/2 pint) fresh raspberries, plus more for garnish
3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1/4 cup pomegranate juice, plus more, if needed
3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Coarse salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 cups mixed greens, washed and dried

DIRECTIONS:

Put the raspberries, mustard and pomegranate juice into a food processor or blender and puree until smooth. With the motor running, add the olive oil in a slow steady stream, until a smooth emulsified dressing has formed. Season the dressing with salt and pepper, to taste. (If the dressing is too thick, add another tablespoon of juice.)

Place half of the dressing in the bottom of a large chilled salad bowl and top with mixed greens. Toss when ready to serve and garnish salad with additional raspberries.

Note: Leftover vinaigrette can be stored in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.





Buttermilk Pecan Chicken


INGREDIENTS:

2 (8-ounce) boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 cup buttermilk
1 cup toasted pecans
1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
1/3 cup vegetable oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper


DIRECTIONS:

Place each chicken breast between 2 pieces of plastic wrap and gently flatten with a meat mallet or heavy flat object to an even 1/3-inch thick.

In a shallow bowl add the chicken and the buttermilk. Cover and marinate for 1 hour in the refrigerator.

In a food processor, pulse pecans until finely ground. Transfer the pecans to a large rimmed dish and add the panko bread crumbs. Mix to combine well.

Remove marinated chicken breasts from buttermilk and shake off excess. Dip chicken in breading mixture, evenly coating both sides.

In a large nonstick skillet, heat oil. Add breaded breasts and shallow fry about 4 to 5 minutes on each side until golden in color. Remove from oil to and drain on paper towels. Immediately season with salt and pepper and place on a serving platter of individual dishes.

Serve it with a yummy salad for a super tasty meal. Enjoy!





Minted Squash Orzo


INGREDIENTS:

1 cup dried orzo pasta
1/4 cup garlic flavored olive oil, divided
1 large yellow squash, about 8 ounces, quartered lengthwise and sliced
Kosher salt and freshly cracked black pepper
1/2 cup feta cheese, crumbled
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish


DIRECTIONS:

Bring a large pot of heavily salted water to a boil over medium heat. Stir in the orzo and cook for 8 minutes; pasta will be slightly undercooked. Reserve 1/2 cup of the cooking water, then drain the orzo in a colander in the sink.

Heat 2 tablespoons oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the squash, season with salt and pepper, to taste, and cook, stirring occasionally, until beginning to brown and soften, about 4 minutes. Reduce the heat to medium-low, and add the cooked orzo and cooking water. Bring to a simmer and stir in 3/4 of the feta; season with salt and pepper. Cook until the water is absorbed, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the remaining 2 tablespoons oil and mint.

Transfer to a serving platter and sprinkle the remaining feta over the top and garnish with additional chopped mint.





Mini Strawberry Mascarpone Tarts

INGREDIENTS:

1 sheet frozen puff pastry, thawed according to package instructions
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
8 large strawberries, hulled and finely diced
1/2 cup mascarpone cheese, whipped

Special equipment: 3-inch round cookie cutter, 2 identical sheet pans


DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 400°F. Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper. Have a second identical sheet pan and parchment sheet ready.

Stir the sugar and salt together and pour about half of it evenly onto a work surface. Unfold the puff pastry sheet and sprinkle the remaining sugar evenly over the top of the dough and press it a few times to adhere. With a rolling pin, roll the dough into a thickness of about 1/8 inch, turning and flipping the dough as you roll to incorporate the sugar into the dough and to keep it from sticking to the surface. With a 3-inch round cutter, cut out 12 dough rounds and transfer to the lined baking sheet; lay the other parchment sheet over the dough rounds and put the second sheet pan directly on top.

Weigh the top sheet pan down with a cast iron skillet or bricks. Transfer to the oven and bake until crisp and golden, about 25 minutes. Remove the top sheet pan and parchment and cool the crisp rounds completely on the pan.

Meanwhile, pour the balsamic vinegar into a small saucepan and bring to a simmer over medium-high heat. Simmer until thick and syrupy, about 4 minutes; it should still swirl in the pan. If too thick, simply add about a teaspoon of balsamic, stir, and remove from the heat.

Put the strawberries in a small bowl and pour the hot balsamic syrup over them and stir. Let stand 5 minutes. To assemble the tarts, spread about 2 teaspoons mascarpone on each crisp dough round with a spoon or small offset spatula. Using a spoon to drain any excess liquid, place about one tablespoon of diced strawberries on the top of each tart. Any extra balsamic syrup can be drizzled over the tarts, if desired. Serve immediately.

NOTE: The sugared dough scraps can be tossed with cinnamon and baked in the 400°F oven until browned and crisps as a treat for the little ones. Leftover strawberries or balsamic syrup is delicious over ice cream!





So, how did Claire fare in the Chef on a Shoestring competition?

Raspberry Salad

raspberries $3.49
pomegranate juice $3.99
mixed greens $3.49
total $10.97

Pecan Chicken & Orzo

chicken breasts $3.49
buttermilk $1.99
pecans $2.99
panko $1.99
orzo pasta $1.25
garlic $.39
squash $2.31
feta $2.69
mint $1.29
total $18.39

Strawberry Tarts

puff pastry $1.99
strawberries $2.49
mascarpone $4.59
total $9.07

Grand total: $38.43


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Moistest Low Cal Chocolate Cake, Pesto Veggie Lasagna, Quick Salad

From Denny: If you have been following this blog, by now you know I enjoy those fast and funny food videos along with some great recipes. The latest cookbook promotion is from a hit reality series star, Bethanny Frankel. Her new book is "The Skinnygirl Dish: Easy Recipes for Your Naturally Thin Life."

She's a big hit in "Real Housewives of New York." She's also a total foodie, loves chocolate, came up with some clever recipes and she's pregnant. The woman has this food craving thing down pat and came up with some smart and healthy tweaks so she can enjoy her favorite foods like lasagna and chocolate cake. Bethanny is a big fan of cutting the calories but not the taste. That's why she refuses to use no-fat products. Apparently, she and I agree on one thing about no-fat foods: "They taste like glue and you end up over-eating on something else to compensate." Your body needs some fat in the diet to be healthy.

CBS The Early Show runs this regular segment of "Chef on a Shoestring" where the challenge is to construct a three course meal for four people and keep it under $40. These challenges really sharpen your skills to think differently and try new things. Take a look:


Recipes Featured:

Arugula Salad with Simple Dressing
Pesto Vegetarian Lasagna
How-Is-This-So-Moist Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Glaze




Watch CBS News Videos Online


In case anyone is unfamiliar with some of the ingredients and would like to learn more, here are some facts on what to look for when you are purchasing. Excerpted from Food Lover's Companion:


Arugula: Also known as Italian cress, rocket, rugula and rucola, arugula is a bitterish, aromatic salad green with a peppery mustard flavor. Though it has long been extremely popular with Italians, American palates often find its flavor too assertive. Arugula (which resembles radish leaves) can be found in specialty produce markets and in most supermarkets. It's sold in small bunches with roots attached. The leaves should be bright green and fresh looking. Arugula is very perishable and should be tightly wrapped in a plastic bag and refrigerated for no more than 2 days. Its leaves hold a tremendous amount of grit and must be thoroughly washed just before serving. Arugula makes a lively addition to salads, soups and sautéed vegetable dishes. It's a rich source of iron as well as vitamins A & C.


Pesto: Italian for "pounded," pesto is an uncooked sauce made with fresh basil, garlic, pine nuts, parmesan or pecorino cheese and olive oil. The ingredients can either be crushed with mortar and pestle or finely chopped with a food processor. This classic, fresh-tasting sauce originated in Genoa, Italy, and although used on a variety of dishes, it is a favorite with pasta. Now there are "pestos" made from a myriad of other ingredients from cilantro to mint.


Lasagna: A wide, flat noodle, sometimes with ruffled edges. Lasagna is a dish made by layering boiled lasagna noodles with various cheeses (usually including mozzarella) with the cook's choice of sauce, the most common being tomato, meat of béchamel. This dish is then baked until bubbly and golden brown.


Oat Flour: Made from grouts that have been ground into powder. It contains no gluten, however, so - for baked goods that need to rise, like yeast breads - must be combined with a flour that does.





RECIPES


Arugula Salad with Simple Dressing

Bethenny: I think this easy, colorful salad is the world's perfect dish. Because the arugula is so flavorful, it only needs a simple dressing. I love arugula, but use any leafy green you love. Always lightly salt your salad greens.

Serves: 2 as an entrée, 4 as a side salad

INGREDIENTS:

6 cups arugula (I like baby arugula for this salad)
1 ear raw corn kernels (yes, raw-you will become addicted to the sweet flavor)
1 avocado, halved, pitted, scored into cubes, and removed with a spoon
2/3 cup pear tomatoes cut in half (or use cherry or grape tomatoes)
Salt and pepper to taste
Fresh basil cut in thin strips, for garnish

DIRECTIONS:

Arrange the arugula on a platter. Sprinkle the corn on top, then arrange the avocado pieces and tomatoes over the corn. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle the Simple Dressing (see following recipe) over the salad. Garnish with basil.






Simple Dressing

Bethenny: This recipe looks too simple, but trust this dressing. Some of the best things are amazingly simple. The first time I dressed a salad with lemon juice, olive oil, salt, and pepper, it was a revelation.

INGREDIENTS:

Juice from 1 small lemon
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS:

Whisk all of the ingredients together in a bowl and taste. If the dressing is too puckery for you, add a drizzle of honey.






Pesto Vegetarian Lasagna

Serves: 4

INGREDIENTS:

8 ounces whole-wheat lasagna noodles
1/3 cup packaged pesto
15 ounces part-skim ricotta cheese
4 ounces shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
1/3 cup chopped fresh basil
¼ cup toasted pine nuts (toast gently in a dry skillet until golden)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Cook the lasagna noodles according to the package directions (or use no-boil noodles). Set aside.

2. In a bowl combine the ricotta, basil, and pine nuts. Set aside.

3. Spray an 11 1/2 X 3 7-inch baking pan with cooking spray (or any other pan that fits the lasagna noodles you have- this was the size that my recipe tester used). Spread one-third of the pesto in the bottom of the pan. Cover with half the noodles.

Spread half the herb-ricotta mixture over the noodles. Repeat with another one-third of the pesto, the remaining noodles, the remaining herb-ricotta mixture, then cover the whole thing with the remaining pesto. Sprinkle the mozzarella over the top.

4. Bake for 30 minutes, or until heated through and bubbling. Let sit for about 15 minutes before cutting and serving.






How-Is-This-So-Moist Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Glaze

Bethenny: When I first made this recipe, my fiancé and I stared at each other for days afterward, marveling at how moist and delicious this cake was. We couldn't believe it. I even accused him of dumping a stick of butter into the batter when I was in the bathroom. I kept looking at the recipe trying to figure out what made it so moist. It really is the dessert mystery of all time, as far as I'm concerned.

This recipe is wheat-free, vegan, and easy. I make this cake in a loaf pan so that each slice has just a little bit of the delicious peanut butter glaze, but you could also make it in a round or square cake pan or a release pan, or you could make cupcakes. Just be sure to use plenty of cooking spray and parchment paper. Make this recipe for any special occasion or just because you want chocolate cake.

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/4 cups oat flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup raw sugar
1 cup warm water
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (the darker and higher quality, the better)
1 teaspoon real vanilla extract
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
1 teaspoon baking soda

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Put all of the ingredients in a bowl and stir until combined.

2. Pour the batter into a loaf pan coated with cooking spray. Bake 40 to 50 minutes, rotating the pan about halfway through the baking time. When a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean, it's done. However, I like my cake a little bit underdone and gooey. If some moist crumbs cling to your toothpick, you can consider that done.

3. Let the cake cool completely, and then top with Peanut Butter Glaze (recipe follows). Slice and serve.







Peanut Butter Glaze

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 cup raw sugar
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 teaspoons real vanilla extract
2 tablespoons soy milk
2 tablespoons creamy 100% peanut butter (the natural kind, no added sugar)

DIRECTIONS:

Combine all of the ingredients in a bowl and mix with a hand blender until the sugar crystals are dissolved. If they aren't dissolving, you can gently heat the mixture until they do (heat on low on the stove or on 50 percent power in the microwave, stirring every 20 seconds). Spread the glaze on the cake.







So, how did Bethenny fare as a Chef on a Shoestring competition? Here's the pricing:


Arugula Salad

arugula $2.98
corn kernels $.66
avocado $1.00
tomatoes $1.99
basil $1.50
lemon $.40
total $8.53

Lasagna

lasagna noodles $2.69
ricotta $3.49
pine nuts $3.18
pesto $3.99
mozzarella $2.49
total $15.84

Chocolate Cake

oat flour $2.96
cocoa powder $4.69
apple cider vinegar $.89
soy milk $1.49
peanut butter $3.29
total $13.32

Meal Total: $37.69


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26 Unusual Choices, Photography: Only White Theme

From Denny: This is a collection pulled together from the wonderful Creative Commons photographers over at flickr. It's fun to explore the world to discover what so many dissimilar animals, flowers, insects, clothing, food, buildings, people and places all have in common: the color white.

You are free to use these photos on your blog or site as long as you give the name of the photographer, the site and a link back to their page like I've done here.

Hope you enjoy the choices! :)







Only White







White snowy owl by Tambako the Jaguar @ flickr







White peacock by be_khe @ flickr








White fungus and shrimp wanton by FotoosVanRobin @ flickr







White cat on white couch by pizazz @flickr






White birch tree in snow by Vitorio Benedetti @ flickr







White coffee cup by Vitorio Benedetti @ flickr






White sea foam by Vitorio Benedetti @ flickr







White rose by lilli2de @flickr






White spotted jellyfish by coda @ flickr






American White House entrance for 2008 open house holiday by KRSPO @ flickr







Albino peacock by The Real Darren Stone @ flickr







White Curly Scarf by zehhhra @ flickr







White torte by zoyachubby @ flickr







White bengal tiger underwater by Gore Fiendus (Jerry Frausto) @ flickr







White turban by jasleen_kaur @ flickr







White on white by James Jordan @ flickr







Wing waving white ermine by e3000 @ flickr







White Pelican by mikebaird @ flickr







White orchid by forteller.ipernity.com @ flickr






White Polar fox resting in hollow log in Switzerland zoo by Tambako the Jaguar @ flickr







White horse by Tambako the Jaguar @ flickr






White winter beach at dawn by James Jordan @ flickr







White arctic wolf by Tambako the Jaguar @ flickr






White day white gulls by eschipul @ flickr







White flowers by OliBac @ flickr







White moth white flower by Anvica @ flickr




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Funny Sarcastic Sayings 4 Any Day

From Denny: This is an excerpt from this week's Cheeky Quote Day over at The Social Poets, enjoy! :)



When I think of the scrappy high-spirited Irish every Saint Paddy's Day I often think of how clever they have been over the centuries with the spoken word - like cheeky Oscar Wilde. They certainly knew hardship and irony and yet could always scrounge up a clever retort or biting sarcasm when the occasion warranted it. So, here's to you, my Irish friends around the world, a dedication of a few sarcastic one liners and other word fun to give you a grin. Lift a glass of green beer and toast the fun of word banter!





















Quotes



* If you are grouchy, irritable, annoying, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge given to those who have to put up with you. - Anonymous



* One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers



* I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. - Anonymous



* I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. - Anonymous



* Does your train of thought have a caboose? - Anonymous



* Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. - Anonymous



* Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.







*** ALSO: St. Patricks Day Funnies and History - Cheeky Quote Day 10 Mar 2010



Funny Sarcastic Sayings for St. Patricks Day - Cheeky Quote Day 17 Mar 2010



*** THANKS for visiting, come back often, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!